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“Touch the ball.”

December 2, 2006, 10:27 PM

Have you ever seen the movie Space Jam? At the end, you may recall, at Michael Jordan’s insistence, that the NBA players who had their talent stolen by the aliens touched the basketball to get their basketball talent back.

Reason I mention this is because I saw a photo in today’s Staunton News Leader that brought this scene to mind. Take a look:

Basketball game photo from The News Leader

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Categories: Amusing, Movies

“Cannon to the right of them, Cannon to the left of them, Cannon in front of them…”

September 30, 2006, 10:46 PM

I’m watching the episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air on Nick at Nite where they get “Rafael de la Ghetto”, the allegedly famous poet, in to read poetry. Of course, it’s really Geoffrey the butler in an afro wig and a dashiki. It’s one of my favorite Fresh Prince episodes.

And with Jazz mentioning that finding someone literate to play Raphael de la Ghetto would cost Will “an extra two Jacksons” reminds me of something I’ve been thinking about lately. Have you noticed that in the two most recent incarnations of the US $20 bill, that they “softened” Andrew Jackson’s appearance? No? Take a look for yourself:

$20 bill, Series 1995

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Categories: Amusing, Television

The child said, “Grandma, we’re never going out in public with you again!”

February 5, 2006, 7:03 PM

Oh, what a day at Wal-Mart. What a weekend at Wal-Mart, for that matter. You’d think that it was the biggest football game of the year going on based on the way these people were shopping.

Still, what left me amused was when this one lady came through my line today. She asked me to page her daughter. So I did. A few minutes later, the daughter’s children (i.e. the woman’s grandchildren) came up to the lady and the older one of the two said, “Grandma, we’re never going out in public with you again!” I couldn’t contain myself any longer – I, along with the lady who was checking out (and the target of the remark), started laughing. I’m sorry, you should have seen it. It was SO cute. Even more so when they said that their mother had told them to say it.

So that just made my day.

Categories: Amusing, Walmart

No, the IRS does NOT owe me $90,000…

January 19, 2006, 4:55 PM

It helps to mind the decimal point. I was doing my taxes today, and it came up on my calculator that the IRS owed me $90,000 when I subtracted the lines as per the directions on the form. As nice as it would be to get a $90,000 payment from Uncle Sam, though, I looked at it and thought to myself, that’s not right and soon realized that I’d missed a decimal point somewhere along the way. Re-running the numbers produced the expected result.

I do my own taxes. I download the forms from the IRS’s Web site online, and filled them out. I figure for most people, if you can read, you can do your own taxes. Saves on money if I don’t have to pay Jackson Hewitt or H&R Block to do it for me. And it does make me feel a little guilty when friends of mine enrolled in tax-preparation courses and then I say no when they offer to do my taxes for me (for money, of course). I’m truthful, though – “No, thank you, I do my own taxes.”

And the most important thing? Sign your forms. There was one year I failed to sign my 1040 and they mailed it back to me with a little note that said that I needed to sign it before it could be processed. I signed it, and sent it back.

And I’m getting it out nearly three months before it’s due. Yaaaay…

Categories: Amusing

Blue Screen of Death on the self-checkout…

December 11, 2005, 5:58 PM

I wondered when it would happen, and today it finally did – one of our self-checkouts crashed and displayed the dreaded “Blue Screen of Death”. I just wish I had a camera with me at the time, because I so wanted to take a picture of that…

Otherwise, though, I realized in the last few weeks that the customers don’t listen to a word I say. I put this to the test recently, using one of everyone’s favorite Homestar Runner holidays – Decemberween. Decemberween is, to quote the Homestar Runner Wiki, “a holiday celebrated by the people of Free Country, USA, 55 days after Halloween, on December 25th. It bears many similarities to Christmas with colorful lights and garlands and the giving of presents, but with some obvious differences.” Read the whole article for more information on Decemberween, because it’s otherwise irrelevant. Just focus on the name. So I would casually ask, “Are you all ready for Decemberween?” instead of “Are you all ready for Christmas?” I would get the same response for “Decemberween” as I would for “Christmas”. Not a single person ever questioned my use of “Decemberween”. Not a one. Scary.

Meanwhile, my belief that the more religious stuff a person has on their car, the worse driver they are has been confirmed once again. I first talked about this in this entry from May 23. Today I had two cases on the way home. The first was on US 340 where I got stuck behind this van that had “JESUS” right on the license plate. And it was going 35 in the left lane (and the speed limit was 45 and then changed to 55 before I could pass them). Then turning onto 608, I got behind another person with a bumper sticker where a religious group decided to be cute and do a religious take on the logo for CSI. The bumper sticker said “CSI: Christ Saves Individuals”. Here’s a Web site showing the logo in question. These people not only were going five miles below the speed limit the whole time I was behind them, but they also decided that a green light means “stop”. After dealing with the previous slowpoke coming out of Waynesboro, and then having to sit behind this moron for a few miles, sitting at the green light was the final straw. I hit my horn, and leaned on it until these bozos moved. They moved, and thankfully, our paths diverged after that point.

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You know you’re from the [Shenandoah] Valley if…

September 6, 2005, 8:06 PM

I found this on a friend’s AIM profile, and I was laughing out loud at it. I’ve lived in Stuarts Draft for thirteen years now, which means that most of my life has been spent in this area. Some of it is just SO true, while other parts of it are a stretch. So here goes.

You know you’re from the valley if…

  • You think the traffic on 340 at 5pm on a Friday is a major traffic jam.
  • If you go to Wal-Mart and you see at least 10 people that you know pretty well.
  • The smell of manure makes you homesick.
  • When people ask where you’re from and you never give the specific town… but somewhere about 30 miles away (Charlottesville,
    Harrisonburg).
  • When you’re showing an outsider the town, they’re shocked that so many people wave in
    passing… even though you don’t know half of them.
  • Two words POTATO GUN.
  • If you remember shopping at Roses or skating at TRB’s in Waynesboro.
  • If the Stuarts Draft Fireman’s Lawn Party and parade was a must.
  • If you remember when 340 (through Stuarts Draft) was a two-lane road.
  • You had a heart attack when we got TWO Wal-Marts!
  • “Bring your tractor to school day” was a regular part of spirit week.
  • You went to the Frontier Culture Museum for a field trip every year in elementary school.
  • Wright’s Dairy Rite, a movie, and Wal-Mart is the ideal date.
  • “Stuarts Draft” is pronounced as one word.
  • You’re driving down the road and you smell cow manure, you don’t roll your window up, you just breathe it in.
  • One of the cliques at your school was the “Aggies.”
  • Your parents had the same teachers in school you did.

Interesting, no?

Categories: Amusing, Stuarts Draft

What is wrong with this picture?

July 24, 2005, 10:35 PM

What is wrong with this picture from the Sunday, July 24 edition of the Staunton News Leader?

Lauren Sohn rides the ATV while wearing short shorts and a tank top

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The combination of things people buy sometimes…

July 11, 2005, 12:08 AM

I saw what was perhaps the funniest thing on the self-checkout register today. A person bought a pack of condoms, and two different kinds of sandpaper. I’m just like, hmmmmmmm. You have to wonder about that. It leaves lots to the imagination. But if they like to sand in bed, that’s their business. Still, what cracks me up the most is the line I came up with. The couple is in bed together. He says, “So honey, do you want medium grit or fine grit tonight?”

Priceless.

Of course, the reason people buy condoms through the self-checkout in the first place is to be discreet. They don’t want anyone to know that they’re buying condoms in the first place.

This, by the way, is how retail employees have lots of fun doing their jobs. We are completely following established procedure, and laughing like heck on the inside the whole time. Person rings up condoms on the self-checkout. They put it in the bag. The self checkout machine goes off: “Item not recognized! Remove last item and try again!” So I come over. Me: “Hi, let me fix you up so you can continue.” I look into the bag (so as to visually verify that the items match their ticket). I see the condoms. I don’t say anything, but you can tell that they’re completely embarrassed by it. I’m laughing on the inside.

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What’s wrong with this picture?

March 3, 2005, 11:26 AM

Note what I’ve circled:

Neighborhood on Google Maps

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“You mean they want to wear your clothes?”

January 29, 2005, 9:51 PM

First of all, ladies and gentlemen, WE HAVE CABLE! WE HAVE CABLE! All interested parties are now officially connected to what I have dubbed the “Schumin Wireless Network”. That means we have my computer, Dad’s computer, Mom’s laptop, and Dad’s laptop all in place on our little network. Now I don’t have to leave my room for anything. I can just IM the rest of the family.

Otherwise, today was interesting at work. They were calling for winter weather for our area, which came in the form of sleet, sleet, and more sleet. But before the sleet showed up, it was like Christmas in January in our Waynesboro Wal-Mart. Seriously. Like Christmas, with all the registers open and all the lines backed up to the clothes. Everyone was buying the usual winter weather staples – bread, milk, and eggs. One can assume that everyone makes french toast when it snows.

I also ran into a friend at work who had two women at his side – one on each arm. His comment was, “They want to get into my pants.”

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Categories: Amusing, Internet, Walmart

Take a look at this, and see what the problem is:

October 28, 2004, 11:38 PM

Categories: Amusing

Don’t be a horse’s… you know.

September 22, 2004, 11:30 PM

I need a picture of the back end of a horse. Or two. Or three. Why? Think of the possibilities! Don’t be a horse’s patoot – go vote! Don’t be a horse’s patoot – buy a Schumin Web t-shirt! You get the point, I think. The use of the word “patoot” is my favorite term for it when referring to not being one that belongs to a horse.

The time I’ve heard (or shall we say seen, as you’ll see) the term used most memorably on a poster that the JMU Post Office used in the spring of 2001. They were reminding everyone about the fact that it’s time to forward mail for the summer so that it doesn’t sit at JMU while you’re at home. The poster was right there, and said, “DON’T BE A” at the top. In the middle, it showed a large photograph of three horses in a race, as viewed from behind. Then at the bottom, it talked about forwarding your mail. Point made, and memorable, too.

And I also presume it was effective, since no one wants to be a horse’s patoot.

Categories: Amusing

There’s just something intoxicating about that “new carpet smell”

July 30, 2004, 7:40 AM

Seriously, I love that new-carpet smell. With the whole back-to-school thing in full swing, we’ve got all your need-to-gets for people going off to college. And among other things, we have area rugs, all rolled up and sitting in the action alley. And they smell like new carpet!

You know what? I could probably stand there and smell that new-carpet smell all day and not be unhappy. It really is a wonderful smell.

They should make a cologne scented like that. Call it “DuPont Stainmaster #5”. I would date someone wearing that intoxicating aroma. World’s worst pick-up line for that: “Hey, baby, want to get together and smell the carpet?”

And looking at me after smelling carpets, since I so love the smell, people might just have to ask, “Have you been smelling carpets, or are you just glad to see me?”

Still, I do love that smell.

Categories: Amusing

I wonder what I’d look like…

July 24, 2004, 9:01 PM

I wonder what I’d look like with blond hair. No, seriously. I had a friend at work ask me about it and volunteer to do the work for me. I said we’d have to see, and it sounds like it would be fun! Add a little color to my head, and mix it up a little!

And the kit is fairly inexpensive at (you guessed it) Wally World.

Categories: Amusing

More flamingo photos!

March 18, 2004, 11:52 PM

As promised, here’s some better flamingo photos…

Pink flamingoes in the Camdens' front yard

This is the whole yard, as seen from the street. Lots of pink flamingoes, let me tell you.

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