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The combination of things people buy sometimes…

July 11, 2005, 12:08 AM

I saw what was perhaps the funniest thing on the self-checkout register today. A person bought a pack of condoms, and two different kinds of sandpaper. I’m just like, hmmmmmmm. You have to wonder about that. It leaves lots to the imagination. But if they like to sand in bed, that’s their business. Still, what cracks me up the most is the line I came up with. The couple is in bed together. He says, “So honey, do you want medium grit or fine grit tonight?”

Priceless.

Of course, the reason people buy condoms through the self-checkout in the first place is to be discreet. They don’t want anyone to know that they’re buying condoms in the first place.

This, by the way, is how retail employees have lots of fun doing their jobs. We are completely following established procedure, and laughing like heck on the inside the whole time. Person rings up condoms on the self-checkout. They put it in the bag. The self checkout machine goes off: “Item not recognized! Remove last item and try again!” So I come over. Me: “Hi, let me fix you up so you can continue.” I look into the bag (so as to visually verify that the items match their ticket). I see the condoms. I don’t say anything, but you can tell that they’re completely embarrassed by it. I’m laughing on the inside.

This, boys and girls, is what we call getting revenge on the customers for all that they put us through. Bwahahahaha. So evil. And not a thing they can do about it, since I was completely professional the whole time. Like I said: Bwahahahaha.

Yes, I have my moments.

Otherwise, after work today, I went up on the Blue Ridge Parkway, which was quite peaceful. I went down to Lexington, and then joined the Blue Ridge Parkway where it meets up with US 60 and headed north. For those familiar with the Parkway, I got on at the US 60 intersection just north of the Buena Vista overlook, past Boston Knob, past Whetstone Ridge, and past Twenty Minute Cliff. I left the Parkway at the road to Sherando Lake, which affords me a convenient back way home. I love the Parkway. So peaceful. At least until I let my imagination run away at night, and manage to creep myself out thinking about snakes and bears, out to get me. Just thinking about snakes creeps me out, and then the idea of a bear nearby, even if he’s just checking me out, makes me uneasy. During the day, I’m fine, since you can spot creatures coming towards you, but under cover of darkness, it gives me the jibblies.

So there you go.

Web site: Virtualblueridge.com, all about the Blue Ridge Parkway

Song: Two Silhouettes, as sung by Dinah Shore

Quote: "Condoms and sandpaper... kinda kinky."