You know what I’d love to do to some of these people that send me junk mail?

October 28, 2009, 7:06 PM

You know what I’d just love to do to some of these people that send me junk mail? Send them a cinderblock. One of these:

Image: Katorisi on Wikimedia Commons

That’s what I’ve fantasized doing to these annoying direct mailers. It’s called revenge.

I’m referring specifically to the ones that send the junk mail that comes with the little postage-paid envelope. The kind that says, “No postage necessary if mailed in the United States”. You see, there would be no cost to me to mail it because it’s postage paid, but the recipient, who is also paying for the mailing, would get a hefty bill. After all, a cinderblock, according to WikiAnswers, weighs nearly 50 pounds. Box that sucker up and send it to them with their reply envelope taped to the top as postage. Sounds kind of fun, eh? Getting revenge on direct mailers for bothering us with credit card offers and what have you, by hitting them where it counts – in the pocketbook, since the postal service usually bills by weight.

It’s certainly a fun fantasy, but I doubt I’d ever do it, nor would I recommend that you do it. Somehow, I think that mailing a company a cinderblock using a reply envelope, even if they absolutely deserved it, would backfire on me. One scenario would be that I’d somehow get myself in trouble, as there’s probably some law or regulation somewhere that would say that mailing a cinderblock with a reply envelope is illegal or something, and punishable by a hefty fine or a jail sentence. I’m sorry, but a revenge prank is not worth it despite the lulz potential and the cost-them-money-for-junk-mail idea. The other scenario would be that it would cost someone other than the intended target. I don’t want to cost the postal service more money (it costs enough already to mail stuff), and I also don’t want to have the mail-processing houses of the world foot the bill, since they’re not the ones responsible for the sending of the mail. If, say, MasterCard is the name on the envelope (as was the case for a piece of junk mail I got today), then I want MasterCard to pay for me to mail my cinderblock.

Ah, the ways we think up revenge. Still, I would love to see the expression on someone’s face, opening up a box with a reply envelope taped to it and seeing a full-size cinderblock inside. Nothing else – just a concrete cinderblock. But like I said, I would never actually do it myself because of what I described above, and I do not recommend you mail a cinderblock, either, at least not as an act of revenge. If your friend says they want you to mail them a cinderblock, then go for it, I suppose, but they’d better be ready to pay you back for the postage on such a thing.

Speaking of mailing cinderblocks, though, that’s one thing I mentioned to Katie one time. I was talking about the USPS flat rate boxes, and how you can put any weight in them and it still costs the same amount. That brought me to my example: “You could put a brick in there and it would still cost the same.” Then I suggested that next time she comes to visit me, we’ll go to Home Depot and buy a cinderblock, then go over to the Aspen Hill post office and mail it to Katie’s mother (in case it arrives there before Katie does, we address it to her mother). See, we wouldn’t even have to tote it very far. Home Depot is at the corner of Georgia and Connecticut, and then the post office is almost across the street from Home Depot. Take cinderblock, place in flat rate Priority Mail box, put some packing peanuts in there (why not?), and then get my flat rate postage. So you may be wondering what Katie said about all this, right? Her exact words were, “Would you like to be able to have children some day?” That basically says it all. But it was still amusing to contemplate, at least for me.

I don’t know, sending harmless but odd objects in the mail for fun amuses me.

Web site: Mail a brick to junk mailers using paid postage. Now these people DO recommend it. I don't, just because it seems too risky about backfiring or socking it to the wrong person.

Song: Fairfax Rap, a response to the Arlington Rap. I don't think I'd particularly want to live in either place, though if I had to choose between living in Fairfax or Arlington, I'd choose Arlington, because I really don't like driving in Fairfax County.

Quote: So there you go. Play nicely, everyone.

Categories: Amusing, Katie