I don’t know anyone in Olive Branch, Mississippi…

3 minute read

August 21, 2008, 12:20 AM

Okay, so for the past week, I’ve been receiving FedEx door tags on my door, as FedEx has tried to deliver something to me. Slight problem: I have no idea what is being sent to me, or who’s sending it to me. I ran the door tag number and got the tracking number, and it’s coming from Olive Branch, Mississippi (a suburb of Memphis, Tennessee), and it weighs seven pounds. I don’t know anyone from Olive Branch, Mississippi. For that matter, I don’t know anyone in Mississippi – period.

At first, I figured it was a mistake, and that the door tag was actually for my neighbor. Calling her, I found out that she was expecting a package. So after consulting with my neighbor, I moved the door tag to her door, figuring the FedEx guy goofed, because after all, the door numbers in my building are really tiny and easy to miss. And there was no apartment number written on the door tag. I used a little tape to make sure the door tag stayed on her door, since the sticky note-type adhesive was less fresh, now having been touched by fingers, and being on more than one door.

So okay. Next day, the FedEx guy came back while I was again out, and moved the unmarked door tag back over, tape and all. Okay. I moved it back over again, thinking the FedEx guy is a dope. My neighbor even wrote a note on it saying that if it was for her, then leave the package at her door. Then yesterday, I got a new door tag on my door, again unmarked. I didn’t even bother with it, and left it on the door.

Now today – I got a third door tag on top of the second one. FedEx presumably removed the first one, because it disappeared with the appearance of the second one. This new door tag was marked. This was their final attempt, and this time they had my specific apartment number on it in the “customer name” field. So presumably, it’s actually for me.

Which brings me to a quandary. What is it, and who would be sending me something from Olive Branch, Mississippi? I didn’t order anything, and besides, if I order something, I have it shipped to work, where I actually am when FedEx delivers. It’s easier to sign for a package when you’re around, you see, and the FedEx guys that work Dupont Circle all know me, for that matter, since I do a lot of shipping for work.

My gut instinct is to just continue to ignore any further notifications from FedEx about the package until they finally return it to the shipper. I would say that would constitute a de facto refusal of the shipment. I’m not driving all the way out to Beltsville for a package that might not even be mine, after all. They’ve never named me on their labels, after all. And this being an apartment building, there have been lots of people who have occupied this space before me. Could be for one of them, for all I know. Or it could be some wackadoodle shipping me a bomb. Or it could be seven pounds’ worth of anthrax. Or a bomb laced with anthrax. I have no way of knowing. But then curiosity leads me to wonder what it is. But since it’s something I’m not expecting, and since I don’t ever have things shipped to my apartment, I think whoever’s trying to ship me something can keep it.

And lastly, if it is you who is trying to send me something via FedEx from Olive Branch, Mississippi, please contact me as soon as possible and tell me why I need to accept this package, because once I leave for vacation, that package is as good as refused.

Web site: All about Olive Branch, Mississippi from Wikipedia

Song: Xenu loves me, this I know, for L. Ron Hubbard tells me so... (hilarious song to the tune of "Jesus Loves Me")

Quote: So all in all, it's a mystery! (cue the suspenseful music)

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