“No wonder little children scream when you put them on Santa’s lap!”

Ben Schumin on Santa Claus' lap for the first timeIt’s no wonder that little children scream when we put them on Santa’s lap, like I’m doing in this photo from my first time on Santa’s lap from 1982. To a young child, Santa Claus is a downright scary fellow, not only because he’s this big fellow with a large white beard which most little children have heard of but probably never met before, but based on what we tell children about Santa Claus, he is a downright scary person. Think about what we tell children about Santa Claus, best put in the song “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”. First of all, Santa Claus, despite having never met you, knows who you are, and as a result, he has you on his list, which he checks not only once, but twice. And if that was it, you’d be getting off easy. It gets worse. Notice how Santa never states his privacy policy? That’s because his privacy practices are a little strange. According to the song, he sees you when you are sleeping. And he knows when you’re awake. Sometimes I don’t even like the people in my own house to know whether or not I’m asleep, let alone some bearded dude in a red suit. I’m surprised that Santa’s never been taken downtown on something, because let me tell you… Santa is quickly looking like “Baby’s First Stalker” as he goes around watching you while you sleep (because it seems he has a thing for watching sleeping children), and as a result of watching you, knowing when you’re awake. If I did this, I’d be labeled a pervert in no time flat, and also get arrested and charged with some crimes that all my friends would look at in astonishment and say “I never thought he would do such a thing”. But for Santa it’s okay, because as a result of him seeing you when your sleeping and knowing when you’re awake, he knows all of your behavior patterns, because we have entrusted him to be the sole arbiter of behavior patterns and whether or not they are to be considered “bad” or “good”. And thus we get to the reason that Santa gets away with being a stalker of the first degree, and that’s because Santa pays you off at the end of the year. On December 25 of each year, Santa makes a donation to every child’s “favorite charity” as a bribe to keep the FBI off his tail for another year. Does this sound like hush money to you? Santa’s paying off millions of innocent children to keep a lid on it. Never mind whether or not he left you actual presents or a big lump of coal, though. Hush money is hush money, after all. How does Santa Claus make his payoffs? Breaking and entering, of course. And through the chimney, no less. But you have to be asleep before Santa will break in, because it seems that’s Santa’s fetish, watching sleeping children and all. See a pattern here? Yet our parents, who are constantly saying not to talk to strangers and to always lock the door, are deliberately making it easy for Santa to break in and also feeding him (ever left cookies for Santa before?). As a child, I would be totally scared, with one person knowing that much about me who, in all honesty, that I don’t know too well. No wonder little children scream when we meet the guy for the first time at the mall…

Date posted: December 14, 2003

Notes: I had SO much fun writing this quote, let me tell you. I didn't expect anyone to take it seriously, but that really wasn't the point of it. It was intended as a bit of creative writing, and it definitely was a lot of fun in the process.