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Hollywood Squares Classroom EditionBelieve it or not, this was a freewrite for Advanced Composition at Stuarts Draft High School way back in 1998, based on the Whoopi Goldberg/Tom Bergeron version of the show. The actual freewrite was the questions - I came up with 73 of them. But the fun came when we actually produced our own episode of Hollywood Squares for the video camera. We had nine "squares", made up of eight students, plus Mrs. Hevener (the teacher) in the center square. The contestants were Craig Flesher as X and Josh Griffith as O, or "circle". I was the emcee for this game show. We also had Dustan Bower working the video camera. For the squares, since we didn't have the large set that the TV show has, we made do. Since there was a counter in Mrs. Hevener's room, we made use of it. Three "celebrities" sat on the counter, three sat in desks, and three sat on the floor. Each "celebrity" was equipped with a piece of paper with a large "X" on one side, and a large "O" on the other. Above the "celebrities", I placed a large "Hollywood Squares" sign. This is what our arrangement of squares was like:
After reviewing my options for how to present this episode of Hollywood Squares on the Internet, I determined that the best way would be to provide an illustrated transcript of our episode. Also, I purposely wrote more questions than I needed in order to have a ratio of two questions per celebrity, so I would be guaranteed not to run out. So... let's play some Hollywood Squares! [Please note - anything in brackets was not part of the actual game, but is an FYI-type note to help in reading this transcript.]
Craig: Me. Ben: All right. Craig, you'll take the first question. Pick a celebrity.
Ben: Jeremiah! What is the term for when the Earth is closest to the Sun? Jeremiah: Uhhh... the sun... I don't know that one. Ben: Okay, we'll pass on that one, and I'll give you another question. How many members are there in the House of Representatives? Jeremiah: Five hundred and forty-three. Ben: Do you agree or disagree with his answer? Craig: Disagree. Ben: Disagree, you are right, X gets the square! Josh, pick a square! Josh: I'll take Julia Roberts in the corner. Hi, Julia. Ben: You mean Kelly? Kelly: Julia. (Laughs)
(Pause) Kelly: Bob Segar. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Josh: I'll disagree. Ben: That's right - circle gets the square! The answer is Alfred E. Neuman. Craig, pick a square. Craig: Mrs. Hevener. Ben: Mrs. Hevener... from what continent is the dingo? Mrs. Hevener: Australia. Ben: Do you agree or disagree?
Ben: That's correct! X gets the square! All right... Josh, pick a celebrity. Josh: I'll take Jeff... for the block. Ben: Jeff for the block! On Rocky and Bullwinkle, what is Rocky's first name, er, full name, excuse me. (Chuckle) What is Rocky's full name? Jeff: Rocky the Moose? Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Josh: I'll disagree. Ben: That is correct! The correct name is Rocket J. Squirrel, circle gets the square! (To Jeff, motioning to flip the letter over) Circle gets the square... yes. (To Craig) All right... Craig, pick a celebrity. Craig: Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Kelly: Jennifer! Rachel: Me! Ben: I know! Rachel? Okay. Which computer company has a Holstein cow as its mascot? Rachel: Pentel. Ben: What was that again? Kelly: She said Pentel! Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: I'm going to have to disagree on that one. Ben: That's right, the answer is Gateway, X gets the square! All right, Josh... Josh: Regina... for the block! Ben: Regina for the block! Okay... Regina, for the block. True or false - Robert E. Lee signed the Emancipation Proclamation. Regina: False. Ben: Do you... Josh: I'll agree.
Craig: I want Andrée. Ben: Andrée, what are the home row keys on which the fingers on the left hand are supposed to rest, on the keyboard? Andrée: What letters? Ben: Yes, what letters? Andrée: Um... A, S... (Pause) Ben: Two more letters. (Pause and then some chuckling) Andrée: Pass. Ben: A, S, D, and F. I'll give her another question. All right, Andrée, next question - who occupied the center square on the original run of Hollywood Squares? Andrée: How 'bout you, Ben? Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: Disagree.
Mrs. Hevener: He had a really big mouth when he smiled. Ben: All right. Josh? You're next. Josh: I'll take Laurel for the block. Ben: Laurel for the block! On the show Cosby on CBS, who did Bill Cosby play? Laurel: Umm... Mr. Huxtable. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Josh: I'll agree. Ben: That is wrong! Bill Cosby played Hilton Lucas on Cosby. Nobody gets the square, since it was a block. Craig: That's right! Ben: No, this was Cosby, not The Cosby Show. Josh: But they were both on CBS! Ben: No... The Cosby Show was on NBC. All right... Craig, pick a square.
Ben: Laurel, what is the scientific name for the human being? Laurel: Uhh... Homo sapiens sapiens? Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: Uh, agree. Ben: X gets the square, and we have a winner in this round! Craig gets 1,000 points. This was the way the board ended up at the conclusion of the first round:
Ben: Our next round... Celebrities please put your X's and O's down. Next round... we have a secret square in this round, and I will show our home audience the secret square...
Kelly: Why don't you let Dustan zoom in on somebody and that be the secret square? Ben: Oh, I've already predetermined the secret square. Kelly: Okay. Ben: Let's see here... Josh, pick a square. Josh: I'm going to go with, umm... that girl right there. Ben: Which one? Craig: (Quietly) Julia.
Kelly: That's me. Ben: Oh. All right, that would be Kelly... okay. Josh: No! Jennifer. Ben: Rachel? Josh: Rachel. Ben: All right, Rachel, here's your question. Which airport has the symbol PHL? (Pause) Laurel: Abbreviation, you mean?
Rachel: Pittsburgh. Ben: Pittsburgh, you said? (To Josh) Do you agree or disagree? Josh: I'll disagree. Ben: That is correct, it was Philadelphia, circle gets the square! (Brief period of chatter) Ben: PHL is Philadelphia. Circle gets the square, yes. All right... Craig, pick a square. Craig: I want Mrs. Hevener. Ben: Mrs. Hevener... Craig: Is that the secret square?
Mrs. Hevener: City, please! Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: Agree! Ben: You agree... X gets the square! All right... Josh, pick a square. Josh: I'm going to go with Kelly. Ben: Go with Kelly... Josh: Kelly Bain, Julia Roberts... Ben: Yes. All right, Kelly, which company makes the Pentium II processor? Kelly: What company? Ben: Yes. Kelly: IBM.
Josh: Umm... I'll agree. Ben: No, that is not correct, it is Intel, X gets the square. Kelly: Sorry! Ben: All right! Craig, pick a celebrity. Josh: IBM, Intel. Same thing. Ben: No, they're different. Craig? Craig: Mel Gibson. Ben: Justin? (Class laughs) All right, Justin, what position is third in line for the President?
Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: Disagree. Ben: That is right, X gets the square! We have a winner. It is the speaker of the house. Mrs. Hevener: (To Justin) Mrs. Weekley won't like you... This is the way the board ended up at the end of the second round:
Craig: Who was the, uh... Ben: The secret square this time was Jeremiah. We'll
carry the secret square over to the next round, and this round is worth
2,000 Jeff: Is it still Jeremiah? Craig: How much was that round worth? Ben: That round was worth 1,000. Josh: So if I win this, we're tied. Ben: If you win that, we're tied, and I wrote a fourth round, just in case that happens. All right, we have a new secret square! We'll show the home audience the secret square...
Ben: Okay, all celebrities put your symbols down, and... who went last? It was Craig who went last. Josh, pick a square. Craig: This game show is bull. Mrs. Hevener: Wait, wait, this is not Jerry Springer.
Josh: I'm going to go with Mrs. Hevener. Ben: Mrs. Hevener... Josh: Right in the middle. Ben: All right, in the center square... What is the name of the shopping mall that is INSIDE the city limits of Roanoke? (Pause) Mrs. Hevener: The Roanoke Mall. Ben: Do you agree or disagree?
Ben: It is Valley View - circle gets the square. Craig, pick a celebrity. Craig: Ummm... I want... Regina. Ben: Regina! All right... who hosted the game show Double Dare? Regina: Patsy Cline. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: Umm... I'm going to disagree. Ben: That is correct! X gets the square, it is Marc Summers! All right, who's next... Josh, pick a celebrity! Josh: I'll go with Julia Roberts. Ben: That would be... Kelly? Kelly: Uh-huh. Ben: Kelly... what comic strip character works at Product Testing, Inc.?
Ben: Do you agree or disagree? (Pause) Ben: She said Dennis the Menace. Do you agree or disagree? Josh: I heard her! Ben: All right... Josh: I will agree. Ben: It is Cathy! X gets the square! Josh: They're made by the same people! (Mrs. Hevener and Kelly start laughing) Ben: Hank Ketcham makes Dennis the Menace, Cathy Guisewite makes Cathy. X gets the square. Craig: I want... Josh: Kelly Bain, you're going to die! Kelly: Julia, honey, Julia! Craig: I'll pick Rachel. Kelly: Security, please!
Rachel: Holy crap! Mrs. Hevener: No, he was not. That was the Pope. (Squares laugh) Rachel: How many presidents do we have? Ben: Forty-two. Mrs. Hevener: "President Crap, would you..." Rachel: Uhh... I'm going to say... Ford. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: Agree. Ben: It was Benjamin Harrison! Circle gets the square! Kelly: Who was the guy that couldn't fit in the... the... Ben: That was Taft. Let's see here... Josh, pick a square. Josh: I'll take... Jeff. Ben: You'll take Jeff. (At this point, we are briefly interrupted by a visit from a teacher. We stop the camera for this quick visit, and then resume upon the teacher's departure.)
Josh: That was me. I choose Jeff. Ben: Jeff... All right, Jeff, who was the principal at Stuarts Draft Middle School during the 1992-93 school year? Jeff: Umm... Mrs. Garber? Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Josh: I'll agree. Ben: It was Georg Kidd! X gets the square. Kelly: Oh, I miss him! Josh: That's not fair! Ben: It was Mrs. Kidd! Kelly: I mean her! Josh: I wasn't here then. You've got to give me another question. Ben: Hey, it was a question. All right... Craig! Pick a celebrity. Craig: Umm... Jeremiah. Ben: Jeremiah! All right, let's see here...
Which famous threesome has been known to say, "Bubble, bubble,
toil and trouble"? [Note: Mrs. Hevener: Oh, I know that one! (Kelly laughs) Jeremiah: "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble"? Ben: "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble". Jeremiah: The Brady Bunch. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? (Pause) Craig: Uh... disagree. Ben: It was the witches from Macbeth! X gets the square! All right, Josh, pick a celebrity. Josh: I'll take Laurel for the block. Ben: Laurel for the... wait... oh, that's right. Josh: Kelly's supposed to be an O and Rachel's supposed to be an X. Ben: I think Kelly was an X, and so was Jeremiah. Kelly: I was an X because you got my question wrong. Ben: So, Laurel, for the block! For the block... Kelly: Josh, cheater. Ben: Let's see here... oh, here's a good one. Who was the first President to be assassinated? Craig: We learned this in Ms. Banks's class! Laurel: Lincoln. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: Oh, I forgot about Lincoln. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Kelly: What'd she say? Josh: Lincoln. I'll agree. Ben: Circle gets the square! All right... Craig: Justin. Ben: Justin... what crayon manufacturer is located in Easton, Pennsylvania? Justin: Umm... Crayola? Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: I say yes. Ben: You will agree... X gets the square! All right... Josh...
Ben: Andrée is the secret square! Andrée is our secret square for this round... and so, let's see here, let's say that... Josh: Does that mean I won? Ben: No, it just means that you got the secret square, and if you get this question right, you'll get let's say five extra credit things? Mrs. Hevener: No, let's say two. Ben: Two? Okay, let's say two extra credit points. Mrs. Hevener: I hope you're keeping records of who gets... Ben: Yeah. Mrs. Hevener: Oh, okay. Josh: So if I miss this, he doesn't automatically win.
(More discussion on this matter for a moment, before I realized that Craig had two X's which would make a win if Josh missed and I gave X the square - after we settled this, we continued, but it shows that I wasn't quite all together upstairs, with it being Friday and all) Ben: It would go to nobody... that's right. Anyway, let me ask the question first. True or false... John Glenn was the first person to go into space. Andrée: What do you mean, "go in space"? You mean set foot in space, or... Ben: Just go up in space. Andrée: I say false. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Josh: I'm going to agree. Ben: You're going to agree... it was false... it was a Russian first [Yuri Gagarin, by the way]... circle gets the square! And, we've got three across... Jeremiah: Hey, we're going to go into a tiebreaker!
Ben: Josh wins, he gets 2,000 points, that would bring us to a tie, and round four, which I wrote in case this happened. Craig: What happens with like, a cat? Ben: It's 500 a square. Craig: It'd be tied! Ben: No, one would have more than the other. (Chatter regarding this) Ben: If you fill it up, point-wise, one would have 500 more than the other. This was the way the board ended up at the conclusion of the third round:
Ben: All right... Round four, everyone put your X's and O's down, and, Craig, pick a square. Craig: Uh, Justin.
Justin: Uhh... the Internet. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: What was the question? Ben: It was "what Internet service does Mirabilis offer", and he said "the Internet". Craig: Agree. Ben: It is ICQ - circle gets the square. Josh: I don't want that circle. That's not fair. Ben: Just take the circle. Josh, pick a square. Josh: I'm going to go, umm... Kelly. Ben: Kelly... what city is Penn State located in? Kelly: Pennsylvania.
Kelly: Ummm... Harrisburg. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? (Pause) Josh: I'm going to disagree. Ben: That is correct! Circle gets the square! It is in State College... as every operator should know. Josh: The stadium is in Happy Valley. Ben: Yes, but the actual college is in State College. Craig... Josh: That stinks! Kelly: Well, you got it right... Craig: Mrs. Hevener. Ben: Mrs. Hevener for the block! All right...
Mrs. Hevener, whose face Mrs. Hevener: Umm... Andrew Jackson. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: Agree. Ben: X gets the square! All right, Josh, pick a celebrity. Josh: I'm going to go to, ummm... Laurel. Ben: Laurel... all right... What was Ulysses S. Grant's original name? (Pause) Laurel: John... McKnight. Ben: Who was this? Circle... do you agree or disagree?
Ben: Disagree... circle gets the square! It was Hiram Ulysses Grant! Josh: Hylam... Ben: Hiram. H-I-R-A-M. Mrs. Hevener: Why'd he change it? Ben: He changed it because he didn't want his initials to spell HUG. Circle gets the square. All right... Craig... Craig: Huh? Ben: Pick a celebrity. Craig: Jeremiah. Ben: Jeremiah... for the block.
Ben: For the block. Jeremiah, who did James Earl Ray assassinate? Jeremiah: James Earl Ray? Ben: James Earl Ray. Mrs. Hevener: Ohh... oh, yes. Jeremiah: Was it a President? Ben: I can't tell you. Jeremiah: Uhhh... (pause) John F. Kennedy. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Craig: Um, uh... disagree. Ben: Disagree... it was Martin Luther King Jr., X gets the square. Josh, your celebrity?
Ben: Jeff for the block! Jeff, what pain-relieving drug does Advil contain? Jeff: Ibuprofen. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Josh: I'm going to... I'm going to, umm... blehh... (squares laugh) Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Josh: Can you repeat the question one more time? Ben: What pain relieving drug does Advil contain? Jeff said "ibuprofen".
Ben: Disagree... it was ibuprofen. Nobody gets the square. Craig, your celebrity. Craig: I'll go with Jeffrey. Ben: Go with Jeff! All right, Jeff, who is the star of Sierra's Space Quest series? Jeff: Pass. Ben: All right, another question [Roger Wilco is the correct answer]. Who is the original announcer on Jeopardy! with Alex Trebek? Jeff: Uhhh... pass. Ben: All right, another question [Correct answer is Johnny Gilbert - the only announcer for Jeopardy with Alex Trebek]. What company [referring to franchise] owns the McDonald's restaurants in Staunton? Jeff: Uhhh... McDonald's Incorporated? Craig: I think it's good. Ben: You will agree... it is wrong... circle gets the square. Rahe, Inc. owns the McDonald'ses in Staunton. Jeremiah, are you X or circle, or... Jeremiah: Oh, my bad. Ben: All right, uh, let's see... Josh, pick a square.
Ben: I think we have Regina, Rachel, and Andrée. Josh: I think I'm going to go with Andrée. Ben: Andrée... for the win. Josh: The "ween". Ben: Whatever you want to call it. The "ween". Okay... What was the name of the Titanic's sister ship that was sunk during World War I? Josh: I thought it was a brother. Mrs. Hevener: All ships are sisters. Andrée: I'll pass. Ben: All right, I'll give you another question - answer was the Britannic. All right. Jeremiah: What was it called? Ben: The Britannic. Kelly: What about the Lusitania? Ben: The Lusitania was by another line. Josh: Hey, can I get a drink real quick? Ben: Uhh... why don't we do that? Stop the tape, please... (Josh goes and gets a drink, returns, and we resume) Ben: Welcome back to Hollywood Squares! When we left, we were asking Andrée another question. On Adelphia Cable to Stuarts Draft, what is channel 22? Andrée: The government channel? Josh: I'm going to disagree because that's the Waynesboro station that gives the lunch and schedule changes. Ben: That is correct, circle gets the square... and
Justin, were you a Kelly: What is that called? Ben: Educational Access. Josh: I disagree. Ben: You disagree? Josh: I disagree, because that's channel 23 at my house. Ben: Wait a second... 23 is C-Span. Josh: Not at my house. Kelly: What channel is the government channel? Ben: 24. (Brief discussion about the cable system) Ben: Let's give her another question. Josh: Yeah, give her another question. Ben: What Stuarts Draft church was founded in 1891? Andrée: Finley Memorial. Josh: I'm going to agree. Ben: Circle gets the square. Josh: Ohh!! I was trying to lose! This was the way the board ended up at the conclusion of the final round:
Ben: Josh, you are the winner of our game. All right, put the table down, and let's do the bonus round. (Discussion about the bonus round)
Craig: I'm going to host the show. Ben: Craig, I am the host. (Craig sits down) All right, for our bonus round, every celebrity has a point value assigned to them, and this is extra credit. This ranges from one to nine. And... I'm going to pick from any of the questions we have left. Mrs. Hevener: Wait a minute, what do you mean, one to nine? Ben: One to nine units of extra credit. Mrs. Hevener: Oh. You mean if the person wins? Ben: If the person wins, yes. Mrs. Hevener: I'm not going to give nine units of extra
credit, (There is discussion about this, and it is determined that we will half the original values - one should also note that there is a benefit to discussing EVERYTHING ahead of time with the authority figure) Ben: Josh, pick a square. Josh: I'll go with Mrs. Hevener. Ben: Mrs. Hevener, center square... that would be three extra credit points. Mrs. Hevener: No, that would be... Ben: I've already halfed the points. Josh: How big is Kelly? Ben: Kelly was one. Josh: How big is Regina?
Mrs. Hevener: You picked me... stay with me. Don't abandon me here. Ben: All right, Josh... which Augusta County High School... (class starts chuckling as I realize what I am doing) Ben: Okay... I am going crazy today. Mrs. Hevener, which Augusta County high school is located near exit 213 in Interstate 81? Mrs. Hevener: Fort Defiance High School. Ben: Do you agree or disagree? Josh: Uhh... hold on, let me... uh, 213... Raphine is
down there... that's where I got lost when I Ben: It is Riverheads! Mrs. Hevener: You even said Raphine is up there! Ben: It was Riverheads! No extra credit points. Josh: Daggone it! Ben: And that is our episode of Hollywood Squares! Thank you very much! You can see excerpts from the video that we shot of this episode of Hollywood Squares right here! Just click the links below... "Welcome to Hollywood Squares!" Debate about The Cosby Show compared to Cosby "What is the standard greeting for directory assistance operators?" "What city is Penn State located in?" "I'm going to, umm... blehh..." Portions of this program not affecting the outcome of the competition have been edited. Contestants must meet eligibility requirements to receive announced prizes. Contestants are briefed that some celebrities will be provided answers and possible bluff responses prior to taping. In addition, some celebrities may have access to all of the game material. |
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Ben:
Welcome to Hollywood Squares! My name is Ben Schumin, and
I'll be your host today! And, hello, squares! (Squares say
hello) Hello, contestants! Hello, Craig and Josh! All
right! Here's how you play Hollywood Squares - what you do
is... is you will pick a celebrity, and I will ask them a question. They
will answer the question, and you will have to either agree with or
disagree with their answer, and that will determine who gets the square.
If you were correct in your judgment, you get the square. If
not, your opponent gets the square. All right! The way to win
this game is to get three in a row, either horizontally, vertically, or
diagonally. But now, enough of that. Let's get going! This
round is worth one thousand points, and, so... who won the toss backstage?
Craig:
Jeremiah.
Ben: Who is the person on the cover of MAD Magazine?
Craig:
Agree.
Ben: Rachel?
Ben:
You'll agree... circle gets the square! All right...
Ben:
Disagree? It was Paul Lynde! X gets the square! Paul
Lynde was the original center square.
Craig:
Laurel.
Josh:
Julia.
Ben: Yeah. What I'm saying is like Charlottesville's CHO, what...
what airport is PHL?
Ben:
She is... no, she is not the secret square. I will tell you when you
nail the secret square. All right, what is the standard greeting for
directory assistance operators?
Ben: Do you agree or disagree?
Justin: Umm... the Vice President.
points.
Ben: All right, pick a celebrity.
Josh: I'll disagree.
Kelly: Umm... oh, oh... Dennis the Menace.
Ben:
All right... Rachel, who was our twenty-third President?
Ben:
Who was the last one?
This
question had an error in it which was not noticed until after the show was
finished. The correct quotation is "Double, double, toil and
trouble".]
Josh:
Umm... Andrée.
Ben: Wait a second... O, O, O... if you miss this, it wil go
"X".
Craig:
Tiebreaker!
Ben: Justin... what Internet service does Mirabilis offer?
Ben:
What city in Pennsylvania?
is
on the $20 bill?
Josh:
I'm going to disagree.
Craig:
For the block!
Josh: Um, I'm going to go with Jeff, for the...
Josh: (Pause) I'm going to di... (pause) I'm going to um... (pause)
disagree.
Josh: Who's all up?
circle
or a square?
Ben:
All right! For our bonus... what are you doing?
because
these go on the final grade, and that would just throw it completely out
of kilter. I'll give extra credit, but not nine units. With
nine units, the person wouldn't even have to show up to class.
Ben: Regina is eight, so that would be four.
went up to Harrisonburg... my car blew up... I'm going to, um... my gas
pedal was floored, but it wouldn't go anywhere. Uhhh, I'm going to
agree.
